controlling thoughts
Anything that controls me, my feelings, urges, choices and my actions is a detriment to my freedom in thought and in action. My hunger doesn’t fuel my freedom, it forces my hand to get something to eat. My condition causes me to never really relax. My brain is addicted to stimulation to the point that one thing at a time seems like an absurd philosophy.
My urges compromise me, my dignity. Can I ever truly conquer them? Is being human akin to giving into these urges , these desires? Or is it akin to resist and loose? Or does it stand for a power to take charge and move on beyond these desires – but whts beyond? Other controlling desires.
Can humans challenge their biological needs? Thats not the real question is it? The real question is why should they challenge their basic needs. Basic needs provide satisfaction, resisting them gives some hollow sense of self respect and looseresque ridicule.
I often try to choose self respect, but I end up loosing from both sides.
wishful thoughts
The wishes blessed in hell, oh well!
Naïve desires of a clueless heart,
The allure of a heavenly start
Oh well!
The bright facade of fulfilled dreams
Empty skeletons and their silent screams
Oh well!
Open my eyes to the classic nightmare
The boorish dreams now disappear
O well!
Hell yeah! I am digging this now
Play me some more, I do dare
Oh hell ! ‘Cause I really don’t care…
‘Cause I really don’t
Judgemental thoughts
Any room for judgment automatically cancels out possibility of anything absolute such as justice, right, wrong. All judgment can really hope to achieve is a crude approximation. Know this when you judge people.
Vile thoughts
Human is a a vile being, it craves destruction for amusement. Without destruction, there can be no progress, no charity, no adrenaline and absolutely no domination. But human doesnt embrace the nature. The human life is a constant struggle to control these destructive tendencies and channel them to destroy “with discretion”. May be burst a firecracker, break a brick or hit a ball. Just somehow kick the hell out of natural self so that a tired being can enjoy the allure of the opposite end of the spectrum – the boring Peace.
Yes, opposites do attract!
Punishing thoughts
The creator was angry, furious and yet he wasnt sure if the punishment he had for the spirit was too strong. But forgiveness cannot be taken lightly. Here she comes now:
“My Lord!, it was a terrible mistake! Have mercy” … she said, she was stricken with fear and her eyes were watery with sorrow. Creator wasn’t sure if that was due to remorse or just acting, and yet He found his heart melting – “This needs to be resolved soon”.
“You have betrayed my trust and harmed me in most hurtful way and a punishment is warranted”
“Please my Lord, I knew not what I was doing, I am a part of you, I will never repeat this, forgive me my Lord!” ….
“Unfortunately, its too late for forgiveness , I have no choice but to give you the harshest punishment”
“Lord please” …
“Your punishment is …”
“Lord no” ….
“Life on Earth!”
The spirit fainted ….
Triggering thoughts
Triggers – what emotions does this word trigger in you? What do you instantly think of Gun ? War ? Database Triggers? Human physiology has triggers too – emotional and mental triggers. Its almost amazing how the triggers manipulate the body and brain.
When a teenage boy sees a sensual woman – a trigger fires and fills him with emotions that are not easy to control. When a mouse sees a cat, a trigger fires that generates fear and defensive reaction, on the other hand, the trigger in the cat generates a slightly opposite reaction.
Are we controlled by our triggers or do we control our triggers? The answer is important. Situations and our reactions to those situations determine our fate. If the triggers control us, the outcome is a constant – a known.
Destructive thoughts
My destruction overtakes me, should I let it win? Can I do justice to rest of my life? Is there a justice possible? When the dreams turn nightmares, will they ever turn back? should I keep trying or give up? How long should I try?
If the life’s lesson is “true happiness is a farce”, then I have lived it over and over and over and over and over. I know it by heart. Are there anymore lessons? This sadistic bitch of a life has many ways of teaching the same lesson, but the lesson doesnt really change, does it? There really is no other lesson. Humans are born to be sucked out of this world one hope at a time until they destroy themselves. Puppets , prisoners , organic recyclable slaves to the divine drama called Earth - the best rated show of the universe, change the channel and there is some other fuck clinging to the fleeting hope after being screwed over repeatedly, Till he finally gives in and decides its time to go and make peace!
The spider web connecting me with so many organisms, is so dysfunctional. This hold so strong, it wont let me go … but its reach so shallow that there is no one to reach out to.
But its not the time yet, if life giver is sadistic then I am masochistic, the pain fuels my creativity and my creativity gives me happiness. A piece of me that might survive beyond horizons. I wont give them the satisfaction. I wont!
I will find mine, life you just wait!
Angry Thoughts
Its surprising. Being left alone should have given me peace, some relief. I even expected to be sad … be in pain .. or somewhat bored. But all I feel is anger .. all the time. Angry not at the one who abandoned me, angry at myself to have cared for something for so long. Angry that I let myself get used so many times. Angry that I cannot let it all go and move forward. Just angry. Just angry. Just angry.
There is no trust left within me, not for trying. I try to trust and I get screwed every time. What did they say about the first time being a mistake … the next time being foolish.
Mom always suggests meditation. But how would that help? I still don’t believe in meditation, I believe in philosophy. Unless I get my feelings consistent with my philosophy, this wont go away. How does one move on? Just wait for the time to heal? That even sounds stupid. There must be a faster way.
A rare weak moment for me this. A huge part of my life has abandoned me. I don’t care about being alone, but I do care about moving on. Thats what I find difficult. Thats what is troubling me – the casual tone of the fact that I may never be able to move on. My only passion, my dearest obsession now just left a distant memory. How does one move on from that?
Where does one find an alternate passion?
I keep myself feeling attracted towards the alcohol store, its right next door. But I resist. Do I not know what that will lead do? Alcohol drowns pain, not anger, it fuels anger. I just want peace, happiness.
Academics has always helped me focus, its my forte, its my thing. I took two courses for a reason, it keeps me occupied. It keeps me intellectually satisfied. Thats important, but not enough. I need another passion, another obsession … something new that will help me feel the same rush as I felt all those years ago when I fell in love. The zeal, the adrenaline and the passion. Its all gone …. why cant I move on? Why?
Disappointing thoughts
The greatest fear is not that I will fail, the greatest fear is of disappointing the ones I love.
It all comes back to perfection. Nothing can be 100%. How much of a disappointment will they be willing to take – 10%, 20%? They may have a higher threshold but I may not be able to live with the fact that I disappointed them even 10%.
A lot of people dont understand that most parents are not disappointed with kids’ success or failure, they feel troubled that their kid is feeling disappointed and they cant do anything about it. Its difficult to express or control such a strong emotion. There is only so much you can help the kid, only so much nudge you can provide. The kid has to do the rest, the kid and its luck. The kids have to take that next step, but if they dont, it leaves the parents’ heart broken. Unwittingly they take it out on the kid without realizing the kid is probably in a worse place than the parents themselves.
A winners Eulogy
A Winners Eulogy:
My dadaji – my grandfather. A lot of you may remember him as a fighter, a soldier of academia. But he wasn’t a just a fighter – NO , not just a fighter. There are various kinds of fighters – some mediocre and others great. Fighters can belong to any side – winning or loosing. Prem, the kid whose family was shunned by society (for no error of his), belonged to a special breed of fighters – Winners! You see – Winners unlike others have a single minded focus towards the Top, they don’t just strive to be there, they belong there.
When society shuns you, there are easier ways to get back at it – look around, you will find plenty examples – criminals, thieves and thugs. Prem, the boy who literally lived the childhood that Amitabh Bacchan portrayed in the movie Deewar, chose a different path. He resolved to bring his family out of rock bottom situation, and he found a way – by rocking the world of Academia. Thats the thing about winners, they make most difficult or extraordinary choices look easy and obvious.
Neither the choice was easy nor the path taken. He went to a primary school were Hindi was the primary language. But this still was the India where British ruled and English education was a privilege. When he moved into middle school, he joined students who were already were formally taught English. Unlike his peers who struggled in the new school, Prem wrote with penchant and impressed his teachers with his knowledge and grasp of English. Studies were not easy either, genius or not – you need books to study and books cost money – there was no money!. Prem, found a way out -”notebooks” were cheap, books were not. He borrowed books from his class mates … for one night. No electricity in the house meant he had to study on the streets below the street lights. Unfettered, he wrote … he wrote like his life depended on it and copied whole text books within a single night and returned the books the next day. These handwritten textbooks were his sole access to study material. And yet, he topped through school and through college. He collected many degrees and chose the profession to shape the future of Indian youth – a Professor.
His situations may have been impossible, his conditions dire but his spirit was never broken. He held the self-belief of a winner and the willpower of steel. Through his spirit, he not only led his family back into society’s graces, he mentored his kids and grand children into Doctors, Technocrats, IAS Officers, Researchers and other prestigious professions.
My brothers and sisters, when you are feeling down, with nothing to go on, when life seems difficult, you will suddenly become aware of a flame inside of you, egging you on, nudging you to keep moving, a sudden motivation out of the blue – that’s a part of my Dadaji inside of you. Whether he influenced you directly or indirectly that flame is a definite part of you – know it, feel it and believe in it. He was not just a winner , He was the granddad of many winners through whom he lives on.